I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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