im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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