think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Welp...herpes.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
