I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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