just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
