can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
