Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
