I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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