ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
