my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
