I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
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