We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
This is my gift to your gina
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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