Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
