I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
