Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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