I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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