my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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