and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
