I seem to have left my pride at pride
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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