I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Drake has all the answers
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
