your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
