No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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