she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
