There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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