i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
