all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
