coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
