My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
