Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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