Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
