People in love make me want to vomit
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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