Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
