FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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