I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I smell stomach acid.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize