xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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