I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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