Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So here I am, sexting at work.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
