Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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