It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize