smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
