i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
