he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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