Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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