In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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