I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
