I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
