dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
