im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
