Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
