Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
