sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
