Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
