So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
