remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
