margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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