I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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